Jokes/pickuplines&quotes

n1 killer xD

There are 2 muffins in an oven, then one of them says to the other "ugh there's hot in here". Then the other screams "Arghh a talking muffin".

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.

Boy calls 911.
Boy: Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency? Boy:
The ugly one is winning.

An ugly, fat, bad woman with two kids enters Wal Mart, shouting angry at the kids with no reason.
The man at the reception says cheerfully to her: "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Cute kids! Are they twins?"
The horrible woman stopped shouting, just enough to say, "Hell, they’ re not twins… The older is 9 and the other is 7! Are you blind or just stupid?"
"No madam... I’m neither blind nor stupid... I just can’t get that there’s a man out there who had sex with you twice."

Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A woman is driving for 1st time on the highway.
Her husband calls says: "Be careful love, It's just been on the radio, that someone is driving opposite to the traffic on the highway.."
She replies: "Someone...? These rascals are in hundreds!"
 
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My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
 
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How many Sophies does it take to win a sk duel?
Well nobody knows, it hasn't happend yet. :)

HAHAHA funny -.- you ass <3 And pfft, ive won manytimes!
 
Why pay for a bra, when I would gladly hold your boobs up all day for free?


How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? ---- As soon as you open it, you realize it's half empty.


A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
 
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

mafia......png
 
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
 
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Yeah well, i guess both you and Klovn know the feeling of "not long enough" ;)
 
Haha Sophie well said.....

PARA and Sophie are granny and grandchild. One day they see a new, nice looking guy come into the indoor swimming pool of a building with them.
Sophie says, "Granny you know I'm shy. Can you go over to the other side of the pool and try to get to know about that guy."
PARA goes over to the other side and asks the guy "Are you single?"
"Yes, but I've been in prison."
"Why?"
"I strangled my third wife."
"What about your second wife?"
"I got in a fight with her and she fell out the window."
"And your first wife?"
"I shot her."
Then PARA calls to the other side to Sophie and says "Yoo hoo, he's single!"

On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were in agony.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'
'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.'
Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said.
'My God. That was even tighter.'
'That's my boy,' more...

One day a teacher asks a blonde student, "Sophie, make a sentence with the words defence, detail and defeat". Sophie replies " the horse jumped over de-fence, de-feet came before de-tail.
 
HAHAHAHAHA what the hell Klovn?! xD
 
Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet :-(

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money i make.
Then they call me ugly and poor :/

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, they're efficient and not very funny.

What's green, fuzzy, have 4 legs, and will kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you?
A pool table.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.

I told PARA she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
 
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Police: where do u live?
Me: with my parents
Police: where does ur parents live?
Me: with me
Police: where do u all live?
Me: together
Police: where is ur house?
Me: next to my neighbors house
Police: where is your neighbors house?
Me: if i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: tell me
Me: next to my house

i believe i can flyyy
got shot by the pizza guyyy
all i wanted was some onion ringggss
from McDonald's or Burgerkinggg
I believe i can soarrrr
mom slapped me in the grocery storeee
Even though im 24 I still got an imaginary dinosoarrrrr

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
I almost died in Finding Nemo.

Boy: Do you like tapes and cds?
Girl: Yeah?
Boy: Good, because im going to tape my dick to your forehead so you can cds nuts. HUEHUEHUE
 
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what's the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
​your job still sucks
Today I learned (TIL) that black eyes are hereditary
You get them from your father if you drink his last beer.
 
An old steam-friend of mine, asked me this today.

15:29 - мechanical: what's the difference between a joke and two dicks?
15:30 - [ﮔʜ] Klovn ☂: one suck, 2 gets sucked
15:31 - мechanical: your mom can't take a joke
15:30 - [ﮔʜ] Klovn ☂: fu
 
Guy1:Why did the chicken cross the road?
Guy2:To get to the other side?
Guy1:No. To get to the idiots house..
Guy2:What?
Guy1:It had to get to the idiots house..
Guy1:Anyway.
Guy1:Knock Knock.
Guy2:Who's there?
Guy1:The chicken...
Guy2:Dammit!
 
A piece of string walks into a bar before he sits down the bartender yells:
“Hey! We don’t serve pieces of string like you!”
The piece of string goes outside, ties himself in a bow, and rolls round on the ground for a bit.Then he gets up, goes back into the bar, and sits down. The bartender says
“Aren’t you that piece of string?”
The string replies
“No. I’m a frayed knot.”